Something Else Saturday - Why I Drove Past Your Yard Sale

There you sat in your yard, baking in the summer humidity. The odd-shaped, ugly red car approached from out of nowhere, slowing down to a respectable view to rubberneck the contents of your folding tables. And then drove right on past, blissfully enjoying the 68-degree temperature inside the air conditioned vehicle. Psst. That was me. I drove right past your yard sale, and now I'm going to explain some of the most common reasons people like me don't give yard sales like yours a chance.

You have a huge yard, and your tables are very close to your house. Placing the tables close to your house means you are prepared to take the items back into your house. The farther the tables are from your house, the more likely you are to haggle with me about the price so you don't have to lug it back across the yard. Besides, driving up to your house is something a friend does. I'm not going to yard sales to make friends. If your tables are close to your house and you want me to stop, put up a sign that says "ALL ANTIQUES REDUCED TO $1" or "FREE CURRENT BESTSELLING BOOKS SIGNED BY THE AUTHOR" or I'll keep driving.

You are selling clothes and stuffed animals. And that's all you are selling. It's even worse if the clothes are winter, outdated (and I don't mean chic back in style and retro outdated), or torn / ripped / stained. Please do not even think of putting lingerie on that table. Not only do I do NOT want to buy it, but I do NOT want my teenage sons embarrassed by seeing it. Even if you do have things organized, clean, and priced right, don't be surprised if I don't stop by because fibers are a hotbed for things like lice, vermin feces, roaches, and bedbugs. So I'm sorry, but...just no.

You haven't organized or cleaned anything. It looks like it did when it was in your basement a few hours ago. I don't want to leave your yard sale and coat my hands and forearms with hand sanitizer, even if it does smell like cucumber melon. You know that smelly ethnic store in the mall that sells the crap purchased in huge lots for obscenely cheap prices off eBay? I'd rather shop there because at least I know the health department has done some kind of nominal check.

You expect to make a profit. Nobody ever got rich from a Saturday-morning yard sale. I'm sorry if someone told you otherwise. When I stop, I am under the assumption that you actually want to get rid of the stuff you apparently no longer want. Just like having the tables too close to your house, if you don't present the image that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get rid of your stuff, I'm not wasting my time at your yard sale.

You haven't mowed your frown lawn. This is a huge one. I'm allergic to stuff, and I don't want to try and race home before the Benadryl kicks in and I stop itching. High grass tells me you also invited ticks, mosquitoes, gnats, mice, and maybe a snake or two to your yard sale. I've never had the (horrible, tragic) surprise of unexpectedly bringing home an animal from a yard sale, and at my age there's no way I'm going to risk it now.

If none of this applies to you and I still drove by, then it probably goes back to the old "it's not you, it's me" excuse. Except no, really, it's probably me. I'm not a people person. I'm allergic to small-talk. The thought of public speaking causes my stomach to perform Olympic-gold-medal-worthy somersaults. My teenage sons bicker in the back seat until I'm ready to sell them to gypsies so they can marry a gypsy princess that makes a Disney Princess wedding look like a planned-at-the-last-minute redneck soiree. I hate temperatures over 74 degrees. I took my flip-flops off and am enjoying the cool air from the A/C in the car blowing across my feet to walk over to see what you're selling.

See? It's really nothing personal. On Memorial Day Weekend my family hit 14 miles of yard sales and only stopped at 10. Of those 10, I got out at maybe 6 of them. 7 tops. I spent $2 total of my $25 budget, and drove right past the last two, even though they looked like they had potential. Why? It was 92 degrees in the sun. I was hungry, grouchy, and my stupid hormones decided to rage against the heat by giving me hot flash.

If you aren't having any luck at yard sales, don't give up. Try some of these tips:

• Check with your county, town, and/or homeowners association for rules and regulations regarding yard sales. If you aren't allowed to hold one in your front lawn, consider renting a space at your local flea market.
• Advertise in local newspapers, Tweet it, and make your yard sale a Facebook event.
• Consider donating a portion of the proceeds, and include that in your advertising.
• Create signs that are BIG and EASY TO READ. Less text is better. Even at 25 MPH the most I can manage while driving is to read "YARD SALE ------->" without causing a traffic jam.
• Price it right and prepare to haggle. Remember, your goal is to carry nothing back into your house. You want to get rid of it, forever and ever.
• Do you have adequate parking? What happens if 5 people show up at once? Can you allow for that kind of yard sale traffic?
• Keep your pet inside. I don't care if your purebred toy-sized pugachini is adorable and loves people, I'm allergic to dogs and I haven't had my allergy medicine then I don't want to sacrifice the rest of the day of yard sales because I had to sleep off a Benadryl.
• If you have a lemonade stand that includes baked goods, please have a list of ingredients handy. I'm sure the sugar cookies are delicious but if they have even a trace amount of cinnamon or chocolate, the rest of my day is shot.

Good luck with your next yard sale, and I hope it's one that helps me break my drive-by habit!